How to Respond to Self-Disclosure Without Feeling like a Jerk

“We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as impossible situations.”

Charles R. Swindoll

It often happens at a moment you least expect.

You’re casually chatting with a friend or acquaintance and bam.

Out of the blue, they share something personal. All of a sudden you go from having an inconsequential conversation to hearing something like:

“I’m pregnant with number 4.”

Or “I’m bisexual.”

Or “I voted for Trump.”

Or “I’m dying of cancer.”

You feel the weight of the world pressing down on you as you contemplate your next move. You want to be supportive but you’re terrified of saying the wrong thing.

Maybe you find what was just shared unappealing or scary. Maybe you find yourself simply unable to relate with their experience and simply don’t know how to respond.

You realize that their self-disclosure is an invitation to deeper connection and acceptance but you’re not sure whether you want to accept. 

Maybe you feel guilty because you find yourself instantly judging them or feeling sorry for them. 

Sadly, many of us respond in ways that do not foster loving support or connection. And it’s totally understandable. We’re hardly able to tolerate our own vulnerability much less the vulnerability of others.

Maybe you know what it feels like to disclose something personal only to feel like you were rejected because of what you shared.

Though moments like this can be uncomfortable, it can also be an opportunity to positively impact someone’s life by supporting them at a time when they may most need it.

If you believe you’ve screwed up moments like this in the past and would like to handle them better, consider these points:

1. Be present

The temptation will be strong to say, “Oh, look at the time” or to pretend that you just got an urgent text that needs your immediate response. Resist the urge to run. 

Instead, be present by allowing yourself to hear what the person has to say. But what about when someone shares something that’s just inappropriate? 

You can still be present even in such situations without dwelling on what’s being shared or actively encouraging them to share more. You can offer kindness and support while still retaining the right to decide how involved you’re willing to get. 

2. Suspend judgment

One way to deal with perceived inappropriate self-disclosure is to suspend judgment of the person’s motives and intentions. 

Instead of wondering, “Why are they telling me this, I barely even know them,” just listen. 

Listen for as long as you can. Listen not just with your ears but with your body. Let every part of you communicate responsiveness rather than reactivity.

When you are more open you’ll be able to leave the exchange without taking on any negativity while at the same time allowing that person to feel heard.

3. Be generous and compassionate with your response

You don’t have to come up with groundbreaking advice or problem-solving or commentary. You just need to respond with compassion and generosity.

That means responding to the pregnancy announcement with a simple “Congratulations!” rather than “Wow, I thought you were done.”

For personal revelations, you can say something like, “That must have been hard to share” or “I appreciate your willingness to be honest with me and share deeply of yourself.”

For potential political disagreements, you can say, “I realize there are some things we may never agree on but I don’t want that to keep us from being friends.”

Opportunities for human connection

Next time you find yourself wondering what to do when someone shares something deeply personal with you, let your intention be simply to respond in love. 

Use the steps above as a guide but trust your own gut and your ability to be open-hearted. Offer a warm smile, a few words of encouragement, a hug, a prayer. 

Trust that you can get it right. See these potentially awkward moments for what they really are. See them as opportunities for deeper human connection.