7 Things to Help You Be More Empowered

How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.

Anne Frank

How are you feeling today?

Do you feel happy? Sad? Loving? 

Who or what caused you to feel that way you feel now? Spouse? Parents? Coworker? Good news? Bad news?

If you find yourself linking your internal feelings to external causes and events, you’re hardly alone. 

We all do it because it seems self-evident. If someone says something unkind to you, you immediately react. And this initial reaction then expands until it dictates how you’ll feel about yourself and others for minutes, hours, days, or even a lifetime.

We become paralyzingly cautious about who or what we will encounter for fear they will “spoil our mood” or “kill our vibes.” 

It feels so natural to be tossed around by the waves of life that we we scarcely stop to think whether there’s another way to live.

The benefits of blaming

Blaming external causes on our inner states may feel natural, but it’s not harmless. 

But before we can talk about the negative effect, we should talk about the benefits. Because, if we’re engaging in some negative action, you can be sure that there’s some positive benefit to doing so, even if it’s net negative.

So why do we blame?

1. It’s easy

It’s mighty difficult to stand in the mirror and take responsibility for how you’re feeling about something. So we reflexively work to bypass these uncomfortable feelings by blaming external forces.

It’s not unlike our physical reflexes that kick in when we accidentally touch a hot stove.

We often take the word “responsibility” to mean blaming ourselves. But responsibility really means response-ability or the ability to respond.

2. It provides instant meaning

When things go wrong, we immediately search for answers in order to construct a sense of meaning about why something occurred.

It’s makes the difficulties of life easier to accept.

The problem comes when we believe that meaning is bestowed on us by some larger external force. The truth is that, in most cases, meaning is created by us.

And blaming is one of the easiest ways to create meaning.

3. It keeps you safe

As Tony Robbins says “Your brain is not designed to make you happy.”

Why? Because your brain was designed to meet a more pressing concern—keeping you safe.

And it will do anything, even if it makes you the most miserable person on earth, to achieve its ultimate goal.

Blaming others is one of the most powerful tool the brain has to keep you safe. Because if others are responsible for your feelings and actions (or non-actions), you can safely sit on the sidelines of life.

The corrosive effects of blaming

While these benefits may appear attractive on the surface, overtime engaging in blaming will corrode your sense of empowerment over your own life.

And the more disempowered you feel, the more you will need to contend with the negative side-effects of blaming. Here’s a couple to consider:

1. You feel stuck

If you feel like you’re in exactly the same place you were ten years ago, then you know what it’s like to not feel empowered.

You feel like you need the permission of others or of life to move forward with things you want. If you don’t get that permission, responsibility rests squarely on them.

All you goals and dreams feel like they are unachievable because external circumstances never quite align to help you get to where you need to go.

You know you’re stuck when you’re thinking more about what you want to do rather than just doing it.

2. You feel resentful

Because of this stuckness, you fell resentful toward the people and situations you feel are responsible for how your life is turning out. 

It’s a pretty awful feeling. The sense of powerlessness can drain every last ounce of joy out of you.

3. You lose hope

There is no doubt that there are macro forces in the world that make us feel small, powerless or hopeless—racism, mass violence, corporate greed, and political dysfunction just to name a few.

Then there are forces closer to home such as difficult relatives, addiction, or long-standing unhealthy family dynamics.

But when we give into these forces, we begin to feel hopeless. We feel that there’s nothing we can do to bring positive change in the world and in ourselves.

How to get your empowerment back

Unchecked, these feelings pervade our whole lives and we eventually lose our sense of self. We lose our sense of empowerment.

But there are a number of steps you can take to feel empowered again. Fair warning, these steps are difficult, but not impossible. But you’re tired of feeling powerless in your life, here’s what you can do to empower yourself:

1. Take 100% responsibility for your feelings

Now to be clear, this step is not asking you to be responsible for other people’s actions, only to be responsible for how you feel about those actions.

And remember, being responsible does not mean taking the blame. In fact, when we blame others and ourselves, we give up our response-ability. We give up our ability to respond to our own feelings.

If somebody says something unkind to you, you’re not responsible for their meanness, just how you feel and respond to that meanness.

This is true for every other situation in life. Whatever you feel about anything, good or bad, belongs 100% to you (i.e. you get to choose how you respond to all of it). 

This is not about letting others off the hook or shifting blame, it’s solely about empowerment and exercising your God-given authority over yourself.

2. Focus more on actions than on feelings

If you wait to feel good about something to take action, you’ll find yourself taking little or no action in the most consequential areas of your life.

You’ll find yourself thinking a lot about how you would want your life to be without taking any meaningful action. 

Action-taking is one of the best ways to cure the feeling of disempowerment. But you can’t wait to feel good or happy.

Placing boundaries around toxic relatives will never feel good, but if you don’t take action, you’ll never feel empowered and will grow more resentful.

3. Quit complaining

There’s a widespread belief that venting and complaining to others can help people overcome negative emotions. But according to research, it may help you feel better in the moment, it may actually fuel feelings of anger.

And from personal experience, it also fuels feelings of helplessness and disempowerment.

Of course, thoughtfully disclosing problems and concerns with trusted friends and family can be helpful. But continuous complaining to person after person will leave you feeling like you have little or no control over your life.

In order to feel more empowered, monitor how often you find yourself complaining. Next time you’re tempted to complain, choose another action such as expressing gratitude or simply choose to say nothing at all.

4. Stop seeking permission

Do you know the real reason why we like to seek permission? It’s not because we want to be polite.

It’s because we can easily identify who to blame when things don’t work out the way we wanted. And if we choose not to act, we can blame them for not giving us permission to act.

It’s genius.

But if you want to become an empowered individual, you will need to stop seeking permission from others. 

If you want to write a book, write a book. If you want to homeschool your kids, go for it.

5. Ask for help

While seeking permission will make you feel less empowered, asking for help can help you feel more supported and empowered.

The key difference here is that you’re not seeking the person’s approval, just their wisdom, guidance, and support.

Be very selective in who you approach for advice, coaching, or mentoring. They would ideally have demonstrated the ability to practice self-empowerment themselves.

Bear in mind that you can do this by engaging with the wisdom of people you admire through books, blogs, podcasts, etc.

6. Stop trying to find meaning in everything

It’s true, we are meaning-makers. But this life-giving ability can also work against us.

Spilled coffee on your shirt doesn’t have to mean that the universe is conspiring against you. It’s more likely that coffee just spilled on your shirt by accident.

For us meaning-makers, randomness is a painful truth. But sometimes, bad things happen to us for no reason at all. 

Strangely, the more we accept this, the more empowered we will feel. We will be more likely to accept the inherent “unfairness” of life and learn to take control where we can and simply surrender the rest.

7. Pray

There are two prayers I like to pray whenever I’m feeling disempowered. 

They are the Serenity Prayer and the Prayer of St. Francis. 

If you feel like you’re being battered by the waves of life, I invite you to pray the Serenity Prayer with me:

God, give me grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.