My happiness grows in direct proportion to my acceptance, and in inverse proportion to my expectations. ~ Michael J. Fox
You do all you can to live a healthy life.
You exercise. You eat all the right foods. You stay away from all the things that are toxic to the body. You even take care of your mind and spirit by taking in only certain kinds of information.
You go to the doctor for a routine exam and that’s when you’re hit with devastating news concerning your health.
How could this happen? How could this happen to me?
There are so many situations where these words are uttered.
You studied hard for a test but failed miserably.
You gave half your life to your job but got fired unceremoniously.
You saved for retirement but lost everything to the stock market.
You change your online passwords every month but still got your identity stolen.
You did all you could to keep your child on the straight and narrow but they still went astray.
You prayed to God for healing but you still got sick.
And as if to add insult to injury, you know people who are half the quality person you are, but who seem to have all that you want handed to them on a silver platter.
You pump your fist in righteous indignation at the unfairness of it all. Life is unfair. Yes, you’ve heard this phrase before, maybe even agree with it. But somewhere deep within you is another script running in the background that goes something like this:
“If I do good things and am a good person, good things will happen to me. A few bad things might happen, but I will be spared from the really bad stuff.”
Sadly, many people of faith base their relationship with God on this basic assumption— “I will worship you if you keep the really bad stuff out of my life.”
We bargain with God.
We bargain with the universe.
We bargain with our institutions.
We bargain with the people closest to us.
We bargain with ourselves.
Predictably, when the unthinkable happens we lose faith in the thing, deity, or person we placed our trust in. We become withdrawn, angry, and bitter. We may even blame ourselves for the bad thing or try to ascribe some meaning to it. Because it’s unbearable for us to even entertain the notion that bad things can happen for no reason at all.
It can happen, not because God is bad or because you were bad, but because we live in a world where bad things can and do happen.
Of course, there are many bad things that happen because people consciously choose to act in ways that harms themselves or others. But we’re talking about the “Acts of God” that have nothing to do with God.
How can we deal with the unfairness of life?
By coming to peace with the random aspects of our lives.
By understanding that our greatest source of pain is holding on to the belief that life should be fair.
By understanding that every single moment of every single day is a gift not to be squandered or wasted.
Once you understand these, you’ll stop imposing your bargains on a God who cannot accept the terms. You’ll stop trying to manipulate people and the world to conform to your will. And the quality of your life will dramatically improve.
I sincerely thank you for this post, Cylon.
Don’t really want to talk about my own case but I will.
I think I made a ‘god’ (a false idol?) out of ‘fairness.’ This wasn’t helped by the fact, that as a child I was used as a bargaining chip between warring factions – so I assumed my function in life was to be a problem solver. And, thus, I was deeply upset and disillusioned at my expectations of fairness being valued, let alone practiced, in the world.
I still largely value fairness but I can modify its value. Roughly speaking, it was my exposure to those who had suffered deeply yet had used that experience as a springboard to greatness and those who had received every advantage in life but had thrown their lives away. There are always lessons to be learned, experiences to be had, challenges to make us grow or limit our power.
The world is more complicated – it is greater – than merely being ‘fair.’
Thanks again.
Wow Zara….thanks for sharing this…couldn’t have said it better and very similar to my own experience.
Loved the beginning quote – it really set the tone. Thanks for posting.
Really love the quote too. It’s all about confronting those pesky expectations that sneak up on us!
Wow! Of all the quotes you could have chosen, you chose one from Michael J. Fox… which is perfect, by the way! It particularly struck me, as, on the drive to Maine last week, I read to Joe, a (short) book he (M.J. Fox) wrote. Having just read the book, and now read this quote… it was like a God moment.
Anyway, your post is so on target! I particularly love two statements you made regarding overcoming the madness of dwelling on the unfairness of what’s happening in our lives:
By coming to peace with the random aspects of our lives.
By understanding that our greatest source of pain is holding on to the belief that life should be fair.
Somehow, somewhere along the way, I got it! I discovered that the unfair event/situation was not what was dragging me down, and that it wasn’t God’s “fault.” it was the weight of my attitude that was the most painful and heaviest burden to carry. I hope I never lose that gift of making a decision to accept the challenges, those truly “unfair” things, and recognize them as opportunities for growth. I pray all who struggle with the burden of victim-hood, come to the realization that the unfair thing is less burdensome than dwelling on the unfairness of it all. To accept, let go, and move on. Easy to say, not so easy to do… but t’s worth the effort to try.
An important topic that I’ve been thinking about. There’s no easy answer. The article mentions “God” seven times. If holding onto to expectations and fantasies causes suffering, and if God can’t be expected to mete out justice or provide comfort, it’s not clear that theism serves a useful purpose or is warranted. We need to have a heart and will of steel. This article in The Nation offers a relevant perspective on the topic of acceptance: //www.thenation.com/article/archive/im-dying-here-is-what-i-refuse-to-accept-with-serenity/ .